drunk lesbian hook ups

I’m looking for insight from ya’ll.

In my job, I’m actually what’s known in the health education biz as “a generalist,” meaning I’m all things too all people, equal parts sex educator, alcohol educator, sleep, stress, mental health, physical activity educator… everything. It’s an important job that I take very seriously and do, if I may say so myself, extremely well. I certainly try hard, at any rate.

The sex stuff is my favorite part of course, and handily it intersects with just about all the other things, rather in the way that salt brings out the flavor of other foods, or the way alcohol gives the tongue access to flavors insoluble in water or fat. Understanding the role of sex in the other health issues is the sugar that makes the medicine palatable to students.

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about alcohol – a serious health issue among college students, not least for its impact on sexual decision-making. Nationally, something like 16% of college women report having unprotected sex as a result of their own drinking.

Having chatted about that number with some students and other folks, one of the things I’m learning is how entrenched, indeed how FUNDAMENTAL is the role of alcohol in the hook up culture of the gay and lesbian community. You get drunk, you hook up. You may get drunk without hooking up, but you don’t hook up without getting drunk.

Now, wearing my alcohol educator hat, I think, “Well that’s fine, all I need is to motivate people not to drink to blackout, which is reasonably easy, since most people would rather not blackout if they can help it.”

But wearing my sex nerd hat, I think, “What? Why? What?!”

This one student I talked to (who may or may not read the blog – if you do, hi and thanks!) helped me understand. See, I had previously assumed that people were drinking a lot because they felt guilty about the sex, ashamed of their bodies, or otherwise somehow NEGATIVE about the pursuit of a sexual connection. The non-straight community is at increased risk for a wide variety of health issues, including mood and anxiety problems, self-harm and suicidality, tobacco use, dangerous drinking, etc etc, and the typical story is that people abuse substances in order to manage negative affect. They’re drinking, I thought, to turn down the volume on the bad feelings.

But no, it turns out it’s not that. It’s just… the culture. It’s just how you do things. It’s accepted as normal – long term relationships even start that way. Personally I can’t imagine having the FIRST sex I have with someone happen when we’re both shitfaced drunk, but apparently it’s more or less the norm in this particular culture.

And there’s certainly the question of whether it’s more the case in the gay community than in the straight community, where random hookups, at least among college students, are culturally normal.

So look, obviously I haven’t talked to every gay or lesbian person in America and obviously I haven’t read ALL the research on the subject, but this is a compelling empirical question as well as an important health issue:

IS it the case that in the LGBQ community, drunken hooking up a big trend?

If it is, WHY is it?

What are the benefits?

How is drunken hooking up in the gay community different from or the same as drunken hooking up in the straight community?

What are the costs or risks, both at the individual and cultural levels? Should it be changed?

If so, how?

I’m really asking, because I’m finding it difficult to get inside the experience of having sex with a new person while wasted; I’m sure it makes sense to many of the people who do it, I just can’t see it and I’m not even sure what’s blocking my view.

Tell me everything you can think of. Send your friends this blog post and ask them to comment. I need all the insight I can get.

a destination, not a journey.

This is related to the dance post.

I’ve always had a hard time with the saying, “Life’s a journey, not a destination.”

It’s the kind of thing people said to me a lot when I was in early- and mid-adolescence, because I was (and am) an intense, high-energy person who moves at a fast pace. “Slow down, Emily, life’s a journey not a destination. Enjoy the ride!”

Fuck you, I thought, I get motion sick and I wouldn’t be bothering with trying to get somewhere if it weren’t somewhere I thought was BETTER THAN RIGHT HERE.

What I wish someone had told me was, “Life’s a destination, not a journey, and you’re ALREADY HERE.” Which really is just a restatement of the same thing, but it opens up the question, “Then why do I feel like I’m in such a hurry?”

The reason I feel like I’m in such a hurry is because of how attractive all that stuff out there in the future looks to me. And a little bit, sometimes, because of how crappy where I am is.

What has this to do with sex?

Orgasm.

I have three Top Tips about sex, and the second one is:

It’s not about orgasm.

The reason this is a Top Tip is because a lot of people get Very Wrapped Up in orgasm. They see it as a destination. It’s not, not really; it’s just one of the places you can be. But where you CAN be isn’t anything like as important as WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

The arousal you have right now, the sensations you have right now, the partner you have right now, the body you have right now. Here you are.

I think people would have better sex if they didn’t conceptualize it as traveling along a path toward orgasm but as simply BEING right here and now.

Indeed, I think this is why sensate focus works so well as sex therapy: it takes away the option of orgasm and demands that you pay attention to the sensations you’re experiencing right now. This inevitably brings to the surface all your historical psychodrama, but with sex stripped down to its essence, it becomes easier to notice what part of your experience is about the here and now and what part is just the historic noise in your head.

I know that arousal can feel like a drive, that sexually appetitive stimuli draw you toward them. But I do promise you that the experiencing of WANTING SOMETHING TERRIBLY (e.g., orgasm) is, in itself, an intense, beautiful, erotic experience.

Give it a try. Arousal is a destination, not a journey toward or away from anything in particular. It’s a state of being that constantly changes as your environment changes. It’s where you are right now. And nothing bad will happen if you stay exactly in this place for a good, long while.

So sit still. You’re already where you need to be, even if where you are is wanting to be somewhere else. If you see what I mean.

my first sex educator

My very first mentor in sex education passed away this week.

My training as a peer health educator, 15 years ago, set the stage for my present career. I got a MS in Counseling because Annie had a MS in Counseling.

Here’s just one example of why Annie became a model for me:

Way back, early in my training as a sexuality peer educator, I was sitting on the floor in a room in the student center, talking with the other sex peer educators about periods, the menstrual cycle.

What factors influence the menstrual cycle, Annie asked us. Being a painfully ignorant 18 year old, I raised my hand and said, “Isn’t there something about the phases of the moon?”

Unsurprisingly, everyone laughed.

Not Annie. She said, “There are centuries of mythology and artwork devoted to the idea of the moon as a feminine power…” and she went on to talk about how cultures have constructed meaning around the phases of the moon and the phases of the menstrual cycle. And of course she clarified that in fact the moon was not a factor influencing the menstrual cycle.

Not only did she help me not to feel like a moron, she shared a richer contextual understanding of reproductive biology than I had ever witnessed, she role modeled a level of sex positivity and unconditional respect that inspires me still, and she fixed my ignorance while making me feel that my ignorance was a gift to the entire group.

I have lots of stories like that – and there are lots of people like me, whose lives were shaped by Annie’s generous spirit, her kindness, her commitment to promoting healthy, joyful sexuality.

I’m going to Delaware for the memorial service – my second memorial service this year. If there are any blog readers who also went to U of D and also were touched by Annie, I hope you’ll let me know.

confidence

I have had a totally INTENSE past few days. On Thursday I did a talk on positive sexuality that resulted in a half dozen women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, discussing places to find women-friendly porn and erotica. Totally great.

And I gave about 15 seconds of advice about fellatio (“Don’t neglect the scrotum as an option – not all men like it, but some men REALLY like it, so give it a try.”), which resulted in the question, “Where can I find more about that, about… you know?”

(Why, my little Fellatio Guide.)

The thing for me: how do you get to your 40s, 50s, and 60s without knowing to try the scrotum? Who can’t go to a bookstore and look in the sexuality section – and especially now, who can’t just google “feminist fellatio” or whatever? How can it be that there are women in America who don’t know that good, women-friendly, sex-positive information is readily accessible? How do you get to middle age without knowing where to go to get it? What would be missing to prevent that?

I think most of what would be missing is confidence. Confidence to try new things without worrying about “getting it wrong,” as though it’s possible to get anything “wrong.” Confidence that looking like a porn star is not required to give head like one. BETTER than one.

Which makes me cry, how do you teach confidence!? How do you learn it?

I talked to someone else on Saturday, an old friend who has broken through a whole lot of psychological noise to get to brand new a level of openness and creativity and pleasure in her sexuality. How did she do it? I asked, and she said she just… decided she’d had enough of worrying about whether or not she could please a man, whether or not she was adequate. She just let it go, the decades of negative messages.

Crikey! Talk about power!

I suppose it’s a readiness for change thing: when life has prepared you to change, you will. Before then… you’ll stay stuck. But I suppose folks who read the blog are ready. Folks who find and read the fellatio guide are ready. Which means that I never see the people who aren’t ready.

And I forget how far many people have to travel before they get to healthy joyful sexuality. I forget how revolutionary it is to suggest that your body belongs to you and no one else, that you’re allowed to do ANYTHING you want in bed, and that your own enjoyment of pleasure – your own and your partners – is the one and only measure of success?

How do we get them ready?

break your hymen – sincerely this time

To my utter astonishment, my tongue-in-cheek post about how to break a hymen without a penis has become one of the most read on the blog, due to people actually SEARCHING THE INTERNET for the phrase “how to break a hymen.”

And I feel terribly guilty that there are all these women out there who want to break their hymens and the advice they get from me is slightly facetious.

I still don’t know why people are so worried about it, but clearly they are, so here’s the ACTUAL advice:

Option 1: Have a medical professional do it. If your hymen is imperforate, microperforate, or septate, definitely take this option. If you don’t know whether or not your hymen is any of these things, get a medical professional to check. If you’re thinking, “But I don’t have access to a medical professional” or “I don’t want to talk to my doctor about this,” then there’s something else wrong that’s more important than your hymen.

Option 2: Have intercourse. It’s how women have been breaking their hymens for ages. There will probably be a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’s totally no big deal, from a physiological/medical perspective. If your partner doesn’t have a biological penis, use a non-biological one.

Option 3: Break it yourself. Which means you need to know both how to manage the pain and how to successfully break it.

To minimize pain, use either (or both) a numbing agent (you can use oral numbing agents they sell at the drugstore for canker sores and stuff) or a counter-irritant. A counter-irritant is some intense stimulation elsewhere that more or less distracts your central nervous system from the sensation happening at your vagina. The best counter-irritants will be sensations to the other highly sensitive parts of your body, like your face, feet, and hands. Deep touch sensations – pressure, massage, vibration – will be most effective. So, for example, hold a Hitachi Magic Wand between your feet.

Drinking a couple of glasses of wine – more than one glass, but LESS THAN A BOTTLE – can also help. Do not, whatever you do, exceed 4 drinks, and no more than 2 or 3 in a single hour. Don’t be stupid about alcohol.

And to break the hymen, you mostly need girth. Gradually increasing the girth of the thing you penetrate with will make things easier; contrary to popular belief, pulling off a band-aid slowly results in less pain than ripping it off all at once, so don’t try to put a mango in there all at once.

Another thing to remember is that the hymen is just one of several potential sources of pain with penetration – indeed it’s just about the least common source of pain. The most common source of pain is friction. LUBRICATION is absolutely, positively, unambiguously CRUCIAL. DO NOT attempt to penetrate your vagina without LOTS of lubrication. If you really can’t get lube anywhere else, some oil from the kitchen will do.

Another potential source of pain is muscle tension. Yes there is a vaginal sphincter muscle, and you must relax it in order to penetrate the vagina. You can find it by stopping yourself mid-stream while you pee – it’s the same muscle (different sphincter. don’t worry about the details.)

And finally, pull out a little mirror and LOOK at your vagina and your hymen before you start any of this. LOOK at it. See where it is, what it’s made of. Think patiently and non-judgmentally about your feelings about what you see. It’s a part of your body, just like your elbow and your toes. Be as kind and gentle with it as you would with, say, clipping an infant’s toenails. Be nice to your body.

I can’t even begin to write about the psychological noise that must be happening inside a person’s head if they’re searching the internet for information on how to break their hymen. What advise can I give for that?

Take a deep breath. Relax. Pay attention to your body and its sensations. Pay attention to your feelings about your body, and know that you are allowed – indeed, you are WELCOME – to love all the parts of you. Okee dokee?

Kissing

What is an arousing kissing technique?

Just one arousing kissing technique?

To begin with, remember that the perception of sensation is context dependent, so that a sensation that’s sexy in one context will be annoying or even painful in another. What qualifies as a sexy context varies from individual to individual and couple to couple, but in general they involve trust, respect, a fair degree of privacy, a lack of stress, depression, and anxiety, plus a sense that your partner desires you.

So step 1: create a sexy context, whatever that means for you and your partner.

Step 2: Soft and slow.

No, slower than that, and softer than that. Just barely touch your lips to whatever part of your partner you’re kissing; kiss them more with your breath than with your lips.

Then bite that part. Not too gently.

Travel to a nearby spot and repeat, incorporating judicious use of tongue (wet skin + breath = good) as desired.

The focused attention required is, in and of itself, good technique. What you do matters less than that you are paying attention to your partner and enjoying shared sensations.

Whatever you do, do not wipe your tongue like a paintbrush over your partner’s gums, inner cheeks, or the roof of their mouth. Your tongue goes between their lips in pursuit of their teeth or their tongue and for nothing else.

And don’t, for the love of mike, press your open mouth into theirs so that both of you bash you lips against your teeth. Pressure does not equal passion.

And finally, don’t CHEW on your partner’s lips. Nip and suck, absolutely. But gnawing on your partner like a dog on a bunny just does not cut it, friends.

7 Ways Your Relationship May Be Sabotaging Your Sex Life

If your sex life feels like it's fizzling, marriage problems could be to blame. Find out why everything from who wants more sex to who does the dishes can affect intimacy.
Having trouble in the bedroom? You might start by examining your overall relationship. Fights surrounding finances, kids, work, and housework can take the sizzle out of your sex life.

Marriage problems may seem insurmountable when you’re right in the middle of them, but you may be surprised by the impact small changes in your relationship can have. Here are 7 ways to make your relationship — and your sex life — better.

Bad Sex Reason No. 1: Being Disconnected
This is one of the most common problems Zoldbrod sees among married couples, and it results from living a harried lifestyle in which most days revolve around juggling obligations and couples don’t have enough time for each other.

“Between work obligations and kid obligations, the only ‘we’ time couples have together feels more like a corporate board meeting than an intimate conversation between friends or lovers,” Zoldbrod says. “In an un-emotional climate like this, deeply satisfying sex is impossible.”

What needs to happen to resolve this marriage problem: Make time to do exciting things together. Hire babysitters, take a weekend away without the kids, or get tickets to an interesting place or event.

Think of the financial cost as an investment in your relationship, Zoldbrod says. That effort is what leads to connection and trust in a relationship, which in turn leads to better sex.

Bad Sex Reason No. 2: Lack of Communication
People tend to speak different “languages of love,” Zoldbrod says. One person may like to give gifts to express love, while another shares feelings. Women are better at verbalizing their feelings — some men have trouble identifying their own feelings, so they can’t possibly share them.

If your partner is speaking a different love language than you are, it’s easy to feel unloved, which can affect your desire for your partner. Talking about how you want your partner to show you love can help.

When it comes to actual sex, talking is probably one of the most powerful things you can do, Zoldbrod says. Give feedback by asking for what you want, making sounds (such as an “aaaah” or “uumm”), or by simply saying “Don’t stop.”

If you don’t like what your partner is doing, ask “Can you do [fill in what you do like] some more?” or direct your partner’s hands, Zoldbrod says.

If you both agree that you have trouble communicating, a marriage counselor or sex therapist can help zero in on your problem.
Number one reason to get in the game during summer recess: air conditioned sex. I kinda want to leave it at that but I’ll say this, there is no better atmospheric set up for sex than air conditioning. Except the hotel room/air conditioning combo.

That’s the Taj Mahal of sex scenarios. I should mention, my $3000 dollar bed is on par with hotel bed comfort, my air conditioner has high BTU’s, and my iPod has a playlist entitled “best hookup music” . No shit. Those are my selling points this summer. No new clothes, no charismatic flirting, no over indulgence in alcohol just good old material possessions. Like me for what I have.

Memorial Day is this weekend, the official summer kickoff. Between June, July and August, you have 92 days to meet someone of interest. Consider it a personal challenge.

Bad Sex Reason No. 3: Fighting
Every couple fights, but experts say that you need to balance every fight you have with five positive shared experiences. The health of your relationship depends on how good you each feel about the other, so if you’re fighting a lot, you have to make sure you’re also having plenty of fun together, Zoldbrod says.

There are some issues you may never agree on, but it’s important that when you do disagree, you focus on the positives, look for common ground, and work toward finding a solution to what you’re fighting about.

Bad Sex Reason No. 4: Money Disagreements
Money issues are the biggest reason for divorce among first-time marriages, according to the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. It’s common for partners to disagree about how to spend money, but keep this in mind: One of the benefits of being married is that you and your partner are able to keep each other in check financially. Still, as with any other issue in a marriage, underlying tension about money can make its way into the bedroom.

To help resolve these disagreements, schedule time every week to talk about your finances and make all of your decisions about money together. If you’re going through a rough time financially, committing to each other and going through it together can strengthen your relationship, which will help your sex life.

Bad Sex Reason No. 5: An Imbalance of Household and Parenting Chores
Surveys have found that sharing housework and childcare ranks third as a factor for how successful a marriage will be. However, women still tend to take on most of these duties, even when they’re employed full-time. Not surprisingly, resentment over who does what at home creeps into the bedroom.

“Housework is one of the biggest libido-killers known to woman,” Zoldbrod says. Tasks at work are typically linear — if you have a report to write, you write it, and you’re done. But household chores are circular and never-ending. “As one of my friends commented, ‘It’s like shoveling water uphill,’” she says. No matter how much laundry, cleaning, and cooking you do, there’s always more to do the next day.

“One of the most sexy and endearing things a partner can do is pitch in and help with household chores,” Zoldbrod says. It’s also okay to lower your standards for cleaning and laundry. When a woman has less on her to-do list, she’s more able to relax and get in the mood for erotic pleasure, she adds.

Bad Sex Reason No. 6: A Damaged Past
Almost a third of Americans grew up in homes where they were neglected emotionally or abused physically, emotionally, or sexually, Zoldbrod says. Growing up in that type of environment changes a person’s ability to trust others, and you can’t have a satisfying sex life if you don’t trust your partner.

It’s an issue that usually surfaces once a relationship has become established, and causes distance between the two partners. In this situation, seeing a therapist might be your best option to work through the issues and learn how to gain trust in your relationship.

Bad Sex Reason No. 7: Sexual Incompatibility
Probably the most common kind of sexual incompatibility is a discrepancy in the level of desire between partners, Zoldbrod says. If you don’t have many other areas of conflict in your relationship, you may be able to come to a compromise about how often you have sex. But if the partner with the stronger sex drive sees this as a total rejection and a sign of being unloved, serious problems can arise. “If the higher-drive person is often angry and pouty, the whole relationship becomes soured,” Zoldbrod warns. Further, if the other partner responds by giving in to having sex to avoid hostility, then that partner’s sex drive is guaranteed to diminish, she adds. “My advice is to get professional help for negotiating this difference, so that your marriage stays happy and strong,” she says.

Making these needed changes to correct problems and seeing a therapist for any problems too difficult to work out on your own can lead to a better sex life and a stronger relationship overall.